Filial Piety and Self-Sacrifice in Asian Families and How It Shapes Adult Relationships

A lot of you might understand this concept: family and love mean sacrifice. You might understand it all too well.

For the Asian diaspora like you and me, growing up in our household often means fulfilling filial duties as a child. And as immigrants, we feel pressured to repay our parents’ sacrifice and fulfill their immigrant dream of being their version of a successful child. This often come at the cost of having to sacrifice our own needs or abandon parts of ourselves. Our parents sacrifice for us, so we sacrifice for them. That’s love…?

So what happens when we grow up and start building relationships as adults? Well, we re-create the same ideas with our friends and romantic partners. We continue to self-sacrifice for the people around us, expecting the people around us to also make sacrifice to fulfill our needs.

This can be so normalized for you that you don’t even know you’re doing it. For example, every time you have movie night with your partner, you let them choose the movie even though your partner asks you what you want to watch. Or you decide not to attend a concert with friends because your partner is sick, even though your partner is telling you to go. But then, your resentment builds because you feel like you are sacrificing more than your partner is.

My friends, we can have relationships that are not predicated on sacrifice. Of course, all healthy relationships require compromises and accommodations. But sacrifice does not have to be the main currency. And I use the word “currency” because we are keeping score. To an extent, we are trying to buy love and affection with our sacrifice.

Let’s understand this better by looking at how we started equating love with sacrifice to begin with.

“I sacrificed so much for you. You should be grateful.”

As immigrant kids, the message of “love requires sacrifice” may come packaged in many ways:

• “We sacrificed a lot to immigrate here.” This message can be both implicit and explicitly stated. And this one creates a lot of guilt because there is truth to it. So you feel that you should be grateful and meet all the expectations of your parents. Even if it is unreasonable, or unhealthy, or both.

• Parents oversharing their daily struggles and stresses with children, expecting the children to do emotional caretaking. This might be listening quietly, offering assurance, problem-solving, and/or hiding your own needs so you don’t burden your parents. In this instance, your own needs are sacrificed.

• Your parents frame your obedience and compliance as love and closeness. Family is everything, and your obedience is love. You learn that harmony and love require self-abandonment.

• When you voice your needs or become upset at mistreatment, it is framed as being ungrateful. So you learn to suppress your emotions and abandon your needs.

• When you want to do things for yourself, you may be shamed for being selfish, and for breaking the family apart.

• One or both of your parents endures suffering because self-sacrifice is a framed as a virtue. And sometimes, they frame it as a sacrifice for the children, which creates more guilt and shame for the child. So self-abandonment becomes a moral identity.

• Love is shown through a series of sacrifices, not through emotional attunement nor emotional safety. This might take the form of your parents working longer hours, cooking your favourite meals on our birthday, paying school tuition, etc. All of this is wonderful. But rarely, do they ask you what we need.

Why is this a problem in a relationship?

The childhood experiences previously mentioned often teaches a child that loving someone means they have to self-sacrifice and self-abandon. Part of the message is to also stay quiet about it. This means the child never learned how to communicate their feelings and needs in a healthy manner.

You can imagine how this would play out in adult relationships:

Your partner has the flu. Your partner tells you that you don't have to stay home to take care of them. But you decide to ditch your plans with friends, to stay home and care for your partner. Your partner now feels all smitten.

On the following Tuesday, your partner has their weekly friends hang out. But on this day, you are feeling particularly lonely and sad. You really want your partner to stay home with you. Instead of telling them how you feel, you tried to look real sad and depressed, hoping your partner would pick up on this cue and decide to spend the evening at home with you. When your partner doesn’t, you get upset, believing that you are sacrificing more than your partner and the relationship isn’t fair. So when your partner returns home, you give them the silent treatment.

There’s a real communication problem here. You’re not comfortable expressing your own needs directly, because your needs are associated with shame and guilt. And over time, you become resentful, as you feel that you’re always the one making sacrifices.

But relationships and love does not have to be defined by silent self-sacrifice and self-abandonment. It can be defined by healthy communication, creative problem-solving, and mutual love. We can tell each other what we want and need from each other, and work together to find a solution because we love each other enough to make things work.

Let’s re-imagine the same scenario:

Your partner has the flu. They tell you that you don’t have to stay home to take care of them. You communicate with your partner, and tell them that you feel really bad for going out while they are sick. Your partner lets you know that they’ll be fine, and you can return home to tend to them after your night out. You exchange mutual “I love you’s,” and you’re off to your event with friends. In the following days, you tend to your sick partner until their full recovery.

The following Tuesday, your partner has their weekly friends hang out. But on this day, you are feeling particularly lonely and sad. You tell your partner how you’re feeling, and your partner stays home an extra 30 minutes to chat about things with you. You feel slightly less awful, and you thank your partner for their time and care. You both agree that your partner will come home a little bit earlier so you two can spend some time together. In the morning, you make your partner a special breakfast as a thank you.

Journal Prompt: How did “self-sacrifice” become your idea of love?

1. When did I learn that being a “good child” meant giving something up

   1. Were there specific moments where love, approval, and/or safety only came when you suppressed your own needs, emotions, or preference?

   2. What did you have to sacrifice? (e.g. Attention, rest, calm, comfort, honesty, anger, play, joy, sense of self, etc.)

   3. How did your parents react when you complied? What did they do when you didn’t?

2. What did I learn would happen if I chose myself as a child

   1. Think of times when you wanted comfort, protection, or understanding but decided not to ask. What did you believe the consequences would be for asking? (e.g. Disappointing your parents, being a burden, creating conflict, losing love and affection, being shamed, being hit, etc.)

   2. How does that story still shape how you give and receive love now.

Hey there, my name is Harry, and I’m an Asian therapist here to support your search for health and authenticity. If you are open to weekly self-care FUN-ctivities, subscribe to my “Happy Chemicals Club.” Or maybe you'd find my Asian Survival Guide helpful.

Harry Au

Therapy for Asians

MSW, RSW | he/him

HarryAuTherapy.com

I help Asians go from feeling trapped to becoming self-liberated.