Nice Guy Syndrome and the Fawn Response: How Childhood Trauma Creates People-Pleasing Men

I have a secret to share. I used to be a “nice guy.” The kind of guy who thought that being nice would get me a girlfriend. More on this later. Of course, any “nice guy” would tell you that this does not work. And it only leads to anger and rage. Clearly, I had to go through some personal rehab. So I did what any lost and desperate man might do. I turned to dating coaches. I really wish I could go back in time and tell myself noooooo.

I watched dating content and even paid for a phone session with a dating coach. None of this worked, of course. I was being told that I had to be a specific version of manhood. But no one ever asked me the most important question. What does it mean to be Harry?

And let me tell you something. There was a huge void inside. I had no idea who I was, which is why I was constantly looking for "manhood" to define myself. At our core, a lot of “nice guys” are people pleasers. And when we are raised to be a people pleaser, we are taught that other people’s needs are more important than our own needs. We are taught to be disconnected from our authentic self. So of course I had no clue who I was. I never had the opportunity to discover that.

Nice Guy Syndrome is a Nervous System Response to Protect Us

Nice Guy Syndrome is not a personality trait or a character flaw. It is a nervous system response meant to protect us. There are four nervous system responses: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. These responses exist to protect us from perceived threats.

For those of us who grow up with family trauma, our nervous system learns at a young age that our family isn't always safe. This ranges from physical abuse to highly critical parents to neglect and/or helicopter parenting. In these situations, our nervous system will jump in to keep us safe. But as children, we can't really fight our parents. And we can't run away (flight) from our parents. We still need to maintain a good-enough relationship with them because we rely on them to provide for our basic needs. So often, we end up engaging in freeze and fawn responses.

The fawn response is a hybrid response. It is a hyperarousal response where we actively try to manage the moods of the people who hold power around us (our parents during our childhood). At the same time, it is a hypoarousal response where we disconnect from our authentic self and our sense of agency, and we dissociate and numb ourselves from the effects of abuse. We sacrifice our connection to our authentic self in exchange for having our basic needs met.

There are many ways we are taught to fawn growing up. Here are some examples:

• Your parents praised your cousins for their academic achievements. You wanted that praise and love too, so you worked hard to please your parents by over-achieving.

• Your dad confided in you about his discontent with his marriage. You learned that if you listened intently and agreed with him, he would continue to give you positive attention.

• Your mom often loses her temper, so you learned to constantly scan your mom's body language and facial expressions to read her mood. You would pre-emptively make jokes or show her affection to de-escalate her before she lost her temper.

• Your parents asks you what you wanted for dinner, but you knew they would get angry if you said something they didn't like. So you learned to be easy and told them you wanted whatever they wanted.

• Your parents often criticized even the smallest things that you do. So you tried to behave perfectly to avoid criticism.

• Your parents might blame you for something that you feel is not your fault. But if you talk back to them, you would be shamed for being disrespectful and beaten. So you learned to stay silent and nod, even when you don't agree with them.

So what does this actually have to do with Nice Guy Syndrome?

As a nice guy, you are following an unspoken safety contract that you learned early in life. You quietly anticipate the needs of your parents, your family, the people around you. In return, they offer you what you need: relational connection, praise, validation, affection, and basic needs.

Your whole life, you lived within the fawn response, disconnected from your own sense of authenticity. You never had the chance to cultivate your authentic self. Instead, you learned to shapeshift to manage the moods of the people around you so that you could stay safe. You were never given the opportunity to explore who you are or get to know yourself. So it makes sense that we gravitate towards external definitions of what it means to be a “good man.”

We carry this fawn response with us into adulthood. We continue to fawn our way into relationships, perpetuating the disconnection with our own authenticity. And we expect others to fulfill their end of the unspoken contract and take care of our needs. That is the Nice Guy Syndrome. We are repeating an unhealthy relationship pattern rooted in our trauma.

And just because we know we are fawning does not mean we can magically stop doing it. Like the other nervous system responses (fight, flight, and freeze), fawning is automatic. It exists to keep us safe.

So Why Should a Nice Guy Even Care About This?

A lot of men know they are people pleasers. I definitely knew. So how do we try to solve that? We try to become a hegemonic man, thinking this will finally make people respect us and attract women. But the problem is that this is still fawning. We are still trying to behave in ways that we think will impress/please others. We are still deeply stuck in our fawn response.

For some men, the masculine performance may work for a period of time. But it only works because you have adjusted your fawn behaviours to cater for a new “target audience”...women. Your original fawn behaviours were developed to please/de-escalate your parents. Now that the setting has changed, you adapt your behaviours by performing "masculine traits" to please/impress women. But you are still disconnected from your authentic self.

And if you do end up finding a girlfriend this way, you are now stuck performing this version of masculinity. You are forever scared to be yourself. You end up in a relationship where an unspoken contract is struck: You perform hegemonic masculinity, and your girlfriend performs hegemonic femininity. There is limited authentic connection because both of you are performing cultural gender roles. Neither of you are actually connected to your authenticity. While the relationship might start out happily, all the doubts, insecurities, and self misalignment will eventually resurface.

If this is you, there is no shame here. I personally went through multiple cycles of this before I finally was brave enough to change. Change is terrifying. If fawning is about creating safety, then trying to stop fawning is literally the last thing our nervous system wants us to do. It can feel like self-annihilation just to think about changing.

So what is a “nice guy” supposed to do now?

We need to get to know our traumas a bit better. Therapy helps. But if therapy is not your thing, journaling can also be powerful. Here are three prompts you can start with.

• When I say yes but feel resentment later, what am I afraid would happen if I said no? (e.g. Rejection, shame, verbal abuse, physical abuse, punishment, being ignored, etc.)

• Growing up, whose emotions did I feel responsible for managing (e.g. mom, dad, grandma, brother, coach, etc.)? How does that show up in my adult relationships?

• If I stopped trying to be liked, what parts of myself might finally have space to exist? (e.g. My silly part, my nerd part, my quirky part, my gentle part etc.)

Acceptance is also important. While I have put in extensive work in trauma healing, I know that I will always have a tendency to be easygoing and accommodating. The difference now is that I have a much better balance with honouring my own needs and my authentic feelings. This is not about finding perfection. It is about finding something I can live with.

I am okay being a bit more accommodating than the next person, as long as my core authenticity can still be honoured.

Hey there, my name is Harry, and I’m an Asian therapist here to support your search for health and authenticity. If you are open to weekly self-care FUN-ctivities, subscribe to my “Happy Chemicals Club.” Or maybe you'd find my Asian Survival Guide helpful.

Harry Au

Therapy for Asians

MSW, RSW | he/him

HarryAuTherapy.com

I help Asians go from feeling trapped to becoming self-liberated.