Why You Overthink When Socializing: How Cultural Hierarchy Can Fuel Social Anxiety

When socializing, many people deal with social anxiety. It can make socializing challenging because you can be overthinking and in your head. Often, it can be related to the fear of judgment, and trying to figure out the “right” way to relate to others, the “right” thing to say.

For many of us, we grew up in environments where we were taught clear social rules on how to relate to others. Respecting elders, listening to our parents, taking care of our siblings…there was a clear hierarchy, and rules that defined how we relate to them.

It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it does impact us. We learned early on that there are rules and expectations we have to fulfill. As a result, we also learned to read the room, pick up on someone’s age, role, authority, or status. And based on that information, we figure out how we are to behave and relate to these people.

So when we socialize, we can get in our head, because our minds are filled with questions and trying to pick up on social cues from the other person like:

• Where do they stand in relation to me?

• How should I behave around them?

• Should I be more confident or express humility?

This is a lot of “being in your head.” And it’s rough, because this takes away from the enjoyment of the interaction. You’re not being in the moment, and you’re not being yourself.

This is also why overthinking tends to show up in specific moments, like replaying conversations or analyzing how you came across. If that part resonates, this connects closely with Why You Overthink Conversations After They Happen and How Childhood Patterns Keep It Going, where I break down why your mind keeps going back to past interactions.

Why Social Situations Feel Confusing and Mentally Draining

This way of navigating relationships can work, but it requires two conditions:

• Roles of individuals are clearly defined

• Everyone has a similar understanding of the social norms

Let’s look at these separately.

1. Having Clearly Defined Roles in Relationships

As children, we often grow up with clearly defined roles and clear social rules around how to interact with others. There is an innate hierarchy where children are taught to respect. Respect our parents, respect our elders, respect our teachers, etc. Basically, respect anyone that’s older than us. Children are rarely the authority figures, and we are taught to obey and respect authority.

In Asian cultures, this hierarchy of authority, and showing reverence and respect and obedience can be even more emphasized. I write about this in-depth here: Impacts of Filial Piety and Self-Sacrifice in Asian Families

But as we enter into adulthood, our relationships become more complex. It’s rare for relationships to be clear-cut. But because we grew up organizing our relationships and behaviours within a hierarchy, we will continue to apply this to relate to others. This can add to the anxiety…because you implicitly understand that your relationships are no longer so simple and black-and-white. So you end up overthinking how to respond to others, then beating yourself up for “doing it wrong.”

This also comes with an unintended consequence: you attempt to perform identity roles, rather than acting authentically. For example, performing your perceptions of what it means to be a good father/mother/parent, instead of being present and authentic with your family. Or trying to fulfill certain ideals of manhood, at the expense of what feels right and authentic for you.

We end up worrying so much about doing it “right,” that we completely lose our sense of authenticity in relationships.

2. Sharing the Same Social Norms With Others

When we grow up in a family that has hierarchical social norms, we quickly learn to adhere to these norms. It is very likely that our family and extended family share these social norms. These shared norms help define how we relate to different members of our family.

But not everyone grew up with the same hierarchical social norms. So when we interact with people with different relational norms, it can feel confusing. We might not know how to relate to others.

You might be in a workplace where people speak casually to their managers, or in a social setting where someone younger or less experienced is outspoken and confident. These moments can feel strange because they don’t follow the structure you are used to.

For some of us, we might start to question our own hierarchical social norms. And we might try to fit into these new norms. You might even blame yourself for “lacking confidence” or “worrying too much” or overthinking things.

This pattern also overlaps with a broader experience of high functioning anxiety, which I talk about more in Why You Can’t Stop Overthinking, Even When Life Feels Fine.

Why Confidence Can Throw You Off and Make You Second-Guess Yourself

Another layer to all this is how we interpret confidence.

For some of us, respecting someone with higher status involves showing humility and a certain level of reverence. And we associate confidence and outspokenness with who is higher in the hierarchy than we are (e.g. our grandparents).

So when we meet people who speak with confidence, we implicitly label them as “higher status.” And without realizing it, we might be more careful, agreeable, or more deferential around them.

This becomes confusing when someone you perceive as “lower” in the hierarchy (e.g. your junior associate) behaves confidently or casually. Of course, you understand that there are differences in upbringing or cultural norms.

But this can also throw you off. And you might end up trying to conform to norms that are unfamiliar and/or uncomfortable to you. And now, you’re stuck in your head, second-guessing how to act, respond, and behave. It’s an uncomfortable environment to be in.

How Humility and People-Pleasing Make You Vulnerable To Abusive Behaviours

People who are controlling or manipulative often present themselves with confidence. If you are used to deferring to that kind of energy, you might find yourself second guessing your own perspective or giving more weight to theirs.

A lot of this connects with our inner sense of power, and being comfortable with holding power. As children growing up in hierarchical settings, we mostly performed the role of someone who must show deference and respect to others. We weren’t taught how to hold power or respect our own power of authenticity we are naturally born with. If this resonates with your experience, Workplace Bullying and Trauma: People-Pleasing and Reclaiming Your Voice delves deeper in this topic.

Learning to Stop Figuring Out How to Act Around People

If you grew up learning to navigate relationships through hierarchy, it makes sense that socializing can feel like work. Your mind is on overdrive, trying to figure out the social hierarchy, how you are supposed to behave, and conforming to new social norms that feel unnatural.

A big part of this work is learning that you don’t always need to know who is higher or lower in the hierarchy. We are simply learning to engage authentically as ourselves. This can actually be quite challenging for individuals who grew up in very rigid hierarchical social norms.

You are allowed to be yourself around other people. You are allowed to speak, take up space, disagree, and have your own perspective. And you do not need to perform the “right” version of yourself in order to belong.

Hi, I’m Harry, a psychotherapist in Toronto. I work with 1.5 and second generation Asian Canadians navigating trauma, identity, and emotional patterns shaped by family and culture.

If you want a simple way to support your mental health, you can join my 1-Minute Mental Health Task, where I share a small practice every week to help you build more calm, connection, and well-being in your daily life.